I just had to write to thank you for what must have been the worst first date in the history of male-female relations. Normally, I don’t do this sort of thing on short acquaintance, but our date was so extraordinarily awful that I just had to express my feelings. From the time we arrived at <location of date>, I knew I was in for trouble. You <awful behavior> for most of the night, and I found myself wishing I was somewhere else. Anywhere else. Bosnia comes to mind. Needless to say, I’ll be contacting the Guinness Book of Records. There’s got to be some kind of standard for boorishness, and I think you might be the one to set it. If it isn’t obvious by now, there will be no second date. Thank you for your time, and I’ll pray for the next unsuspecting <woman/man> you take out.